Infertility Journey- “At the end of the day its up to HER if she accepts or denies anything to happen”
I think one aspect that makes an infertility journey so emotional and hard is this very annoying, very uncontrollable fact. . .
That No matter how many Dr appts I go to, No matter how many procedures I have done, No matter how many meds I take, No matter how many trigger shots I give myself , everything still depends on my body and whether she decides to accept or deny anything to happen. . .
. . . . . So No matter how much science I throw at my body there’s still no more control than before I started the process, how does that make any sense!. . .
An Infertility Journey is full of People telling me “stay positive” and I’m doing the best I can at that but I usually sit in the even-keel positive range, so basically I do not allow myself the excitement of this process anymore because I’ve been down this road many many times and what I’ve learned is. . . the crushing feeling comes no matter what, it’s inevitable at this point.
What makes it a little more bearable is how much hope and excitement I put into each try. I say that because I have made that mistake the first time around – infertility newbie – and to be completely honest, that hole was pretty dark and pretty damn hard to get back out of.
. . nowadays I try to avoid over hopefulness. . .
. . . . . being positive is more like telling myself “This is going to work” while my heart tries to stay on guard. . . .
Anyone dealing with trying to conceive at any stage in your infertility journey has Felt the word “no”, and I say felt because I been told no by doctors after an ultrasound but feeling the word No seems to be what really makes my heart break.
It’s because your body is saying “sorry, not this time” which then makes you start the whole process all over again, which also means the rollercoaster of emotions also starts over which is so unbelievably exhausting.
Infertility is seriously the best test for seeing if you can truly pull yourself back up every time you get punched in the gut while getting your heart broken, and oh yea, you’re still a hot hormonal mess from the medications you were on.
I am in no way saying that picking myself is easy, it’s ugly trust me, I look like a zombie that has been run over a few times and it’s more like grabbing onto anything and everything you can to help yourself up, this isn’t a sunshine in my eyes kind of strength, this strength looks pathetic and painful. This journey can suck a whole lot of life out of you with no guarantee of a happy ending . . .
Here’s What I Can Offer You . .
You Will Make It Through This- – each and every time your heart has had to feel the word “No” you have still awaken up the next day and started again.
It may just be auto pilot but that’s okay because even though you may have to start the process over again, or maybe you’ve decided to try a different route or maybe you’ve even decided to stop the process all together we will find a way to a new normalcy and those wounds will heal and you will have discovered a side of yourself- a resilience that you may not have known you had.
Or maybe you and your significant other have come out of this closer or maybe further apart. I am not trying to paint a picture of everything will work out how you want it to in the end because truthfully it won’t.
It’s going to be an ending that wasn’t planned at all but it’s how we decide to move on with that ending whatever it may be that shows if you’ve come out of this with your soul intact.
You will be left scarred on the inside; physically and especially emotionally both of which may never heal . . but I choose to embrace those scars because they are now a part of who I am and pain is a part of living life so I do not want to hide it or be ashamed of it.
We take what life throws at us and handle it in the best way we can, BUT you are not alone! Reach out to me, or find a FB group or let your family and friends in. You will be surprised the support you can find when you open up and let people in.
This infertility journey can be a lonely one but telling your story, your struggles, your happiness, your challenges with others can be therapeutic and helpful for your mental health. Reach out!
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Sorry you and so many others have to go through this. Hopefully you and they can find comfort in your words. I’ll be thinking of you. Hopefully it happens for you soon!
The body’s no’s, the negative sticks and labs, the loses. It all adds up to a lot of disappointment. Part of me feels like man did I just wait to long to start trying? The other part is like well hell it could have been this way regardless. Mother Nature is a real B. Most of the time she’s like um nope not for you this time. She also likes to prove once in awhile that I can get pregnant but it just doesn’t stick
My line of work doesn’t help either. Being a postpartum nurse means I’m completely surrounded by babies. I see babies that come in to some real crumby circumstances and can’t help but think “Really universe?” I don’t drink alcohol or do meth or cocaine…..heck I don’t even drink caffeine!!! I have a stable loving home to offer a baby and the means to provide for a baby. Yet I can’t have one when it so easy (a little to easy sometimes) for some people. I can go down quite the dark rabbit hole if I let myself. It’s hard not to slip into it. I don’t know for sure how long I will keep on this journey because let’s be real I’m closer to 40 than not 😉
I would love more than anything to have a kiddo but if that isn’t in the cards I just hope for the strength to get though this process and I have faith that whatever the plan is for us (me and the boy) that we are happy and healthy.
I’m praying for you girl!
I think about you all the time and I pray and cross my fingers and toes for you bc I know you would be the greatest momma! It is hard to be in our profession and see other women who wake up on the wrong side of bed and end up pregnant or my favorite is “we weren’t even trying and boom I was pregnant”. It’s not that I’m angry at them bc I am always happy for my friends and family who get blessed in that way, I’m more angry at my own body which is hard too bc I don’t want to have those feelings towards myself, that doesn’t help me. I do know I am one of the lucky ones bc I do have pierce and I am so grateful for him so if he is my only child I will be happy just for that but giving up the idea and dream of having more children is hard. I haven’t given up all hope yet so I’ll keep on this journey. And I get the age concern but to be honest more and more women are having babies later in their life so it can be done so I will pray for strength and good baby vibes for you!! Those cute pups need a human sibling to play with!!!