What hurry up and wait looks like, CD1- TWW

Hurry up and wait comes from my husbands experience being in the military, the army loves to make its soldiers get prepared way in advance for anything and everything but then they sit and wait for that “something” to actually take place. This holds true for trying to conceive and the emotional rollercoaster it brings.

Cycle Days. . .

I will break this down by talking about going through one cycle while using a fertility treatment called IUI- Intrauterine Insemination

Day 1 of my period/menstrual cycle – I call into my reproductive clinic, leave them a message saying, “Hey I started my period” because thats a normal thing to say on a voicemail lol, and hope to get a call back that day in order to get my clomid sent to pharmacy and to schedule my Ultrasound for post clomid check.

Cycle Days 4-8 or 5-9 – I start taking my clomid, (so many side effects such as hot flashes, nausea, headaches, cramping) . . its a fun time.

Cycle Day 10 or 11- I go in for my Ultrasound and pray one or two follicles show up (you don’t want more than that otherwise you have an increased risk of multiples! No thank you) and they are the right size (18-21mm) to be eligible for an IUI.

If I am good to go in that department I schedule my IUI procedure and my trigger shot is sent to pharmacy for me to inject myself with later that day (a little shot in the tummy- also comes with some nice side effects- achy tummy, flush feeling, and cramping) . . its a side effect nation over here. . . Ovulation is supposed to occur 36 hours after your trigger shot, and they like to go down to the minute you inject.

IUI Day is here!- husband gives his sample, sample gets washed and then inserted into me! (all together a 2 hour process)

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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . and now we, hurry up and {wait}. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Are you Pregnant or Not?

This is when your mind starts to go completely mad! Whenever you start trying to conceive these are the steps we usually end up taking.

First you start looking up early pregnancy signs even though you know every symptom out there but your infertility “training” makes your brain think “well maybe something has changed or theres new ones”. You dont want to miss any sign or pregnancy!

Of course you have at least 3 of the symptoms you find on the internet so your hope increases and you keep a positive attitude about the IUI, telling yourself it has worked and cells are splitting in your uterus as we speak!

And then you go out and buy 10 pregnancy all different brands, manual and electronic ones. I mean if you don’t start testing at least 5 days before your period then can you really call yourself an Infertility Warrior?

You stop taking any and all kinds of medication so no more ibuprofen for those lingering headaches from the clomid, you start drinking a shit ton more water and start peeing every two minutes because water suddenly replaces every other option, you start to think about how your going to announce this pregnancy. . .

. . . . .but in this life of infertility nothing happens like you plan/want it to. . .

5 days before your expect period- you take a pregnancy test, and it shows you a BFN (Negative).

You angle it in the light, waiting a few more minutes than the box tells you too, find better lighting and look again, take a picture of it to use your handie filters (I mean maybe the contrast needs to change to see it better). . . but no change.

I mean its technically still early so throw that one away and then go back an hour later, pull it out of the trash and see if maybe you just didn’t see the two lines the first time.

You start to have some cramping- which after the IUI they tell you, you could have some spotting and cramping so at first you just chalk it up to that.

Then your boobs start to get a little tender- early pregnancy, YES!, then you have a day or two of bloating, well that sometimes comes with pregnancy. A few days later and you get more cramping- a little sharper and longer lasting, maybe some lower back pain- and google says this could be pregnancy or your period.

Your positivity has started to waver a little bit and you’re having thoughts that this could actually be your period coming, anxiety starts to roll in but you try to remain positive. Cramping is still there but you read that pregnancy can present like pre-menstrual symptoms so theres still hope. . . right?

And since you’ve been having your period for many many many years now, you kind of know how your body starts to feel right before your period but in this case you ignore that.

You choose to believe its all due to early pregnancy symptoms and because you know the exact day when you potentially conceived you have every waking minute of everyday to go back and forth with all these thoughts and feelings.

4 days before your expected period- another pregnancy test, its Negative- well technically its still early and maybe this test wasn’t as sensitive as maybe one of the other ones.

3 days before your expected period- Negative, crying happens but its technically still early so you hold onto hope- ugh this is the hardest part because you know your not pregnant but the hopeful part of your heart is in denial so it keeps you on a hook which is a double edged sword.

2 days before expected period- Negative, you’re numb now so you just throw it away.

Day before expected period- Negative, but hope is still sitting there and you get mad at it, you just want to tell Hope to F-off, that it just makes things worse, that when the heartache comes it just intensifies it because you held on longer than you wanted to.

Period comes- AND EVEN THEN, if it starts off light you still have F-ING HOPE because there can be light bleeding in early pregnancy but you call the reproductive clinic anyways.

(same day) Period comes in with full force and wipes out all and any hope you had left . . . Your heart shatters. . . you wish your period would just end already so you can go get your clomid. . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . and the hurry up and wait starts over. . . . . . . .

How to accept the end result . . .

I’m still in this hurry up and wait cycle and trying to conceive fight, so all I can offer is allow yourself to feel the pain of your body saying no.

no amount of technology can force your body into accepting or denying a certain result so you just have to accept the end result and decide how you want to move forward whether that be to try again, to try a different avenue or taking a break all together, any decision you make is the Right one and dont forget that!

This hurry up and wait is not an easy journey and self-care is the most important thing to remember, so cry the tears you need to cry but then patch yourself together and take one day at a time and get yourself back to a healthy mindset. You Got This!