Questioning Your Dreams when dealing with Secondary Infertility . .

Infertility takes your plans, rips them into pieces, puts them through the shredder, throws them in the trash and then lights them on fire. . . 

My plan has always been to have at least two babies. I grew up with 4 other siblings and even though we can drive each other crazy at times, we are also each others best friends.

I never thought I could handle having more than 2 kiddos, because honestly I have no idea how my parents survived us lol but I have always wanted my children to have someone besides me and my husband to lean on. 

Someone else that they can count on, someone to get into trouble with, to have someone else to share secrets with, to share the chores, to share dreams and goals with one another.

If my son stays an only child I know he’ll be just fine, there are plenty of “only” children in the world who have grown up exceptionally well and I love as long as he is given love and support he will have a great life.

Its just, when my son and I go for a walk and he asks for the little kid at the park if he wants to come home and play, or when he sees kids in a video he’s watching and asks me if they can come play with him, or when he asks to go to daycare so he can play with the other kids. . . well my heart breaks. 

My Heart Breaks . . .

It breaks because I know how great of a big brother and sibling my son would be.

It breaks because I loved how I grew up with my siblings and how I always had someone to talk to, especially when I was mad at our parents and didnt want to go to them.

It breaks because I want him to have what I have now, grown up siblings who I now get to share adulthood with and everything that comes with that.

It breaks because I realize that its not just my dream to have another child, in a sense my son has a dream to have a brother or sister and although at his age its more of just a want to have someone to play with, I cant help but feel like Im letting him down by not being able to make that dream come true.

Having A Dream . . .

Yes, I do play with my son, he’s not on his tablet every second of the day but I am also 31 and my “play” skills are a little rusty, and I can’t play for hours on end anymore. 

I know God laughs when we try and plan our life out when we don’t know His plan for us but I do have a dream to have another baby and for my son to have a sibling.

And having a Dream is not a bad thing! We need dreams so that we have something to look forward to.

I also know my dream may not be what I imagined it to be and that can be hard to accept and this can bring a certain amount of doubt especially in this infertility journey.

Balancing Act . . .

Its a balancing act between Hope and Doubt, sometimes one weighs more than the other and it can be a day to day change.

So as much as I can, I add more weight into Hope but they can both be exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to have Hope in a situation that looks so grim but its just as exhausting to have Doubt, because your constantly trying to find the light.

My solution for this teeter-totter game is prayer, reflection on the blessings I already have in my life and wine, lots and lots of wine!

How do you handle the idea that your Dreams vs Infertility Reality? Leave me comment below!